If I were in the Matrix I would want to consult the Oracle, the wise old woman who says just what you need to hear. But in many ways that’s too easy.
In my life I find I must be a Self-starter. There seems to be no one to consult, no one to defend. A lump of flesh congealed and over time my Ego identified with that lump. The punishing truth I carry around with me is the notion that the lump has no purpose, unless you take the word of people who say things like “God Loves You.” I suppose God loves me. I often wonder how hard the lives of people who say this really are. I can admit that life is hard, but I can’t concede that whether God loves me or hates me is related to my purpose here. That question is related to one’s ability to Self-Start. I confess a burden of guilt around the notion of self-starting. I think somewhere in my bad past I got the wrong idea about self-starting. I associated it with being tough and “American”, that to defy all those around you and create your life from nothing was a virtue. But I never felt that this was a virtue. I thought that I should serve the greater whole, the greater matrix of life around me. I haven’t found a successful way to merge the two ideas.
One must be a self-starter and also serve the society of which one is a part. I type the Words on this Blog, they get sent out into the universe, and I suppose this is as close as I can get right now to self-starting. My life has been plagued by the notion that I’m not really welcome in this world. Psychologically it can easily be traced to the severe lack of any positive feminine figure in my first 20 years of life. It is so devastating to confront the absolute causality of my sense of emptiness. Anyone whose mother, or mother figure, rejects them will live a life of purposeless and emptiness. It is an area in which I would like to arrive at a solution which involves my Free Will. I would like to be able to Choose not to feel this darkness. I see so many people with loving parents who feel supported and happy. I, however am the result of a causality in which I feel total emptiness on account of the fact that my parents are not loving. There is no choice. Those with loving parents feel loved. Those with unloving parents feel abandoned. Free Will is not involved, except perhaps in some realm which precedes the beginnings of this life, like I must account for the sins of some part of my soul from a previous life. This thought goes contrary to the standard Christian worldview, which view relies on Free Will, thus sanctioning individual human rights and much of our society by extension.
I long for the feeling that my existence matters to something. I certainly work hard to contain and preserve my existence. This is harder than most believe, for many fall victim to drugs, cults, false beliefs, which indicates failure to preserve their individual existence. But I have hit on something here… I am recognizing the pitfalls which I have not yet succumbed to, recognizing that many, even most people, fall into some kind of collective involvement because they cannot contain their individual self, and understand their individual life as meaningful. The challenge is for me to be able to face this screen, knowing that it is all I have, resist the thought that one voice must drown in the millions of other voices occupying the same medium, and write as my individual self even though I suffer.
Perhaps that I suffer publicly provides some solace for the reader, perhaps it just sends them into worse despair. Nonetheless, the reading of others’ writings generates community. It removes isolation.
I must confront my idea of what it means to be a self-starter. I must imagine the existence of a community which needs me. It will come into being because I want it to.