An obligatory post, to let all my, uh, reader in on the ins and outs of my life.
He who hesitates is lost. Or so they say — I can’t confirm it’s true, and yet I feel that if I spend too long scrutinizing my words, I will somehow be lost. For example, shall I scrutinize the reason for stating that this post is ‘obligatory’, or shall I just move on. Is the reason for which this post is obligatory more interesting than whatever else I might write?
How much explanation of myself is right and good, how much self-analysis? Who knows. On the one hand, I kind of like that fact that I only have one reader — it reduces the consequences of saying something wrong. Clearly I am unsure of myself. I have a few other web presences which I have never cross-referenced (i.e. facebook, my website, and two older blogs). I am so unsure of myself that I let each presence languish in isolation.
So on the one hand, I feel confident enough to put up a blog post, but generally speaking not confident enough to unite my web presence into a unified whole. Perhaps I started this blog in order to purge myself of past sins, to start afresh, with a strange new identity.
I suppose I can write this blog as the Salamander. My real life name is Zach – I’ve mentioned that before, but perhaps I feel better as the incarnation of the Salamander on this blog.
But still, why obligatory? Because I wanted people to feel like I am still alive. Okay, so I’ve done that. Is that all, then?
No it is not. The real reason I sat down to write an obligatory blog post is because, as either the Salamander, or as my humble real-life self, I have a living presence to bring to earth.
Now I have written a few paragraphs of words so far. Now, why did I write them? Because I felt like it. And I justified the writing by saying, “He who hesitates is lost.” So in the end it comes down to whether it was worth it or not to write this short post.
Should I have hesitated to write this post? I did not hesitate, but… am I lost, nonetheless? I am going to ponder upon it, and then come back and decide what to do.
Okay, I pondered it and here’s what I came up with. It comes down to whether I believe in the Salamander or not. If I believe in the Salamander, then I suppose nothing could deter me from writing – if though, I don’t believe in it, why would I keep going? And I will say that, while I do not currently have the track record to prove that I really have staying power, I do believe in the Salamander.
I am a sort of religious freak – you know, like a “Jesus freak”. But it’s not quite for Jesus. It’s for my own weird religion. I think I take the most things from C.G. Jung, if you want to get any kind of a handle on it outside of just reading this blog. So I’m a Jungian, to be sure.
But Jung is dead and gone – I can’t survive just being a Jungian. There must be some living something which fuels me. And that substance is my weird religion, which I must become less ashamed of, if I want to write blog posts with more confidence. In fact, the most notable thing about Jesus freaks, in my opinion, is their lack of shame.
For my part, I have come to acknowledge that the Christian image (that of Jesus on the cross), carries great psychological power. But I think the significance of Jesus is limited to that power and does not pervade the world any further.
But I also empathize with the writers of the Bible.
Beloved, think it not strange concerning the fiery trial which is to try you, as though some strange thing happened unto you, but rejoice, inasmuch as ye are partakers of Christ’s sufferings. 1 Peter 4
Now the Jesus freaks take nourishment from this passage:
Blessed are ye, when men shall revile you, and persecute you, and shall say all manner of evil against you falsely, for my sake. Matthew 5
They use Jesus as a crutch – and with scriptures like that, who’s to stop them! But the spirit of the quote has to do with the fact that people project their shadows onto the weaker members of their tribe — a phenomenon which is detectable even in non-humans.
The trick of the Bible is to convert that phenomenon into a kind of strength. Now, in my case, I am loathe to portray myself as the omega wolf – the negative consequences are obvious. I must appear strong, or people will eat me alive! But the Christians have managed to turn this phenomenon into a paradox.
Actually, with regard to my choice of religion, the example of the original Christians is better than that of the moderns. In the early years, no one had even heard of Christianity, and thus it took that much more balls to become one. Now they’re a dime a dozen, we have freedom of religion – no big deal. But since my religion is so unknown and odd, I am more like one of the original Christians.
The point is that I want to write powerful things, but I don’t have the courage or the motivation to do it. That means I won’t write, unless I can turn my fear into a kind of courage like the Christians did.