It’s weird how sometimes I want to scream, but there’s no one there to listen, and nothing to say. A non-verbal angst. The scream of an animal in an impossible universe. I wish I could blame something for it but there’s just no target. The conditions which brought about the Big Bang, maybe? The primordial, pre-temporal essence of all things? But just thinking about it cancels my anger. My scream points toward that one true target and cause of everything — but is deflected and wants to attach to something and finds nothing.
I guess the original purpose of a scream is to raise the sense of danger. It’s a communal activity — a scream doesn’t matter much unless someone hears it. But nobody hears it.
I have such a powerful sense of reason that I reject all possible objects of my anger. Two things play a role — one, I am so accustomed to adult life that I expect no one to care about my pain. Two, I want to avoid an unjust target — I’ve been an unhappy target of blame too often myself.