Until I have evidence that doing something other than blogging is going to help me with my various goals, here I am!
Yes, I am quite self-focused. The main question which provokes my self-centeredness is, how is my thinking different from the “mainstream”? If I had a solid handle on that, I could set up a program to behave rationally.
In some ways it behooves me to just draw attention to myself. In a field where there is no “right” place to focus, one might as well try to get as much attention drawn to oneself as possible. Consciously working on behalf of oneself is okay. But openly doing so makes people dislilke you. So I must deceptively work on behalf of myself, just like everyone else does.
I must deceptively work on behalf of myself, just like everyone else does. It’s only because my blog is strange that I say that out loud, because in a way, it goes against its own purpose. Of what value is it to admit that one is deceptively working on one’s own behalf?
Hopefully the audience is sufficiently self-confident to see the truth and honesty in the statement rather than the dark reality which I linger in so much. It benefits me only if the audience is of a mindset to appreciate the insight.
Serving oneself is best done unconsciously for the most part, because so long as one remains unconscious of one’s true motives one is free from the moral burden those motives carry. My curse, and the reason for the existence of this blog, is that I am aware of the driving motivations which make me me.
But I have faith in exposing darkness to the light of the public eye. I somehow hope that it will be redeemed. Ironically though, it could go the other way, as in when the crowds insisted on crucifying Jesus. So putting stuff into the light could go either way. Redemption and infamy are both possible. But at least it will be dramatic. Sometimes you just want drama even if it means getting crucified. It staves off boredom.
So which is it, deceptive self-service, or boredom? I admit it, I’m not that bored. So I guess it’s the former. On the other hand, insofar as people perceive me to be serving myself alone, they will chastise me for it, thus reducing my net gain. You’re supposed to serve yourself while also serving others. That’s the only type of service people will stomach. I’ll do my best!