My model of the truth veers so far from what other people are accustomed to understanding as the truth that I always find myself alone. The typical response to strangeness is mockery. What people don’t realize is that my worldview totally swallows all other worldviews like a whale. People don’t realize that what they mock is actually the description of the invisible clock which runs the universe. Yet my actual life consists of nothing but isolation at this point.
The truth is my “clock” is incomplete. Until it’s complete, I won’t be able to devise a strategy by which I might live with this consciousness in the world of ordinary people. So long as a few screws are loose or some gears need replacing, the idea of salesmanship and diplomacy must always come second. Nonetheless, as the vision becomes more and more complete, I face the need to make my way of looking at things approachable to other people. Unfortunately, I don’t know where to begin on this matter.
The first and biggest issue is to find the right people. In my life, however, there are no such people. All marketing revolves around target demographics. I have yet to get a clear picture who my target demographic is. Indeed, I have the same problem as Friedrich Nietzsche, whose book Thus Spoke Zarathustra has provided the subtitle for my blog: For All and None. While that may be entertaining as a thought, I’m encountering it as a very serious practical problem, as did Nietzsche, who died alone and in madness.
The second and equally serious issue is, having found the so-called “right people”, how I present my arguments, my perspective, my art, etc. Therefore this diagram describes my situation:
Right Presentation <-+-> Wrong Presentation
Since I have no “right people” – i.e. people both whom I trust and who are in a position to provide some kind of help to me, be it financial or in collaboration, and I don’t have the right presentation, I am flying extraordinarily solo right now. I’m not sure anyone who reads this blog could possibly conclude that I know everything about how to present my ideas and intentions. I have so many ideas that I am simply well aware of the fact that I can’t communicate them here. I wish the blog were a clearer type of forum in which I weren’t just spraying things out into the ether, because it’s very difficult to figure out who is reading and what their conditions and backgrounds are.
The only way my life can move forward with regard to selling my perspective to others is to present my ideas to the right people and in the right way. You can imagine how hard it is to face the problem of not even knowing who the right people to present one’s ideas to are, let alone finding the best way of making such a presentation.
If you’re wondering how I ever got into this mess, I guess I can share Joseph Campbell’s closing paragraph to what is generally considered his best book, The Hero With a Thousand Faces. I bit onto this paragraph, hook, line, and sinker when I was nineteen, and only five months later had my transformative mystical vision which felt to me like a “proof” of the value of Joseph Campbell’s worldview and philosophy.
Here’s the quote:
“The modern hero, the modern individual who dares to heed the call and seek the mansion of that presence with whom it is our whole destiny to be atoned, cannot, indeed must not, wait for his community to cast off its slough of pride, fear, rationalized avarice, and sanctified misunderstanding. ‘Live,’ Nietzsche says, ‘as though the day were here.’ It is not society that is to guide and save the creative hero, but precisely the reverse. And so every one of us shares the supreme ordeal – carries the cross of the redeemer – not in the bright moments of his tribe’s great victories, but in the silences of his personal despair.”
What’s weird is that I took all of this responsibility entirely onto myself. In the middle ages, many stories talk about how the knight errant, the knight in shining armor, as it were, needs only the faintest breath of confirmation from his feminine counterpart, some maiden somewhere which allows him to fight all his battles, knowing it was for her honor that he fought. The maiden, generally speaking, was the knight’s real source of strength. This pattern has functioned basically true to form, in my case. It wasn’t just Joseph Campbell’s strong, masculine presence which gave me confidence to keep going, but also encounters and conversations with certain real-life women, who played variously different roles, but who nonetheless inspired me to continue despite very very little support from other places.
So that’s the basic philosophy which brought me to my current situation. On the one hand, all of the stories imply that the journey is just as difficult as I’m finding it to be, and therefore I conform in a mythic way to how the stories are told. But on the other hand, it’s a long slog, piling uncertainty upon uncertainty until it becomes hard to see anything but uncertainty. The belly of the whale, as it were.