Note: Check out the comments. They are probably worthy of one or more separate posts themselves.
Once again, I’ve discovered something in myself which prevents deliberate, scheduled activity. I am blocked in the realm of making videos in the same way I was blocked from applying for work study at Esalen. Something pushes me toward inactivity. I hope that this thing knows what it’s doing. 🙂
If I post these words, then it might be said that whatever it is that blocked me has pushed me toward blogging. Words are important, so I’m not about to discount their value. But it’s not particularly satisfying to have mere words in exchange for what was previously an intention to do more.
So do I accept the exchange? Do I take these words and be glad I at least got them instead of nothing? Yes. I can take them because it’s not an either-or deal. If I could do anything else, I would.
Why are other things so hard? It’s a question I will continue to explore.
Some of the reasons I find other tasks hard are, I suppose, ordinary reasons – fear, risk, change. These are the kinds of things which, while difficult, are equally difficult for everyone. It makes it hard to know how much support or sympathy one can expect when one’s problems are identical to anyone else in the same situation. Just face it and get over it. What else can be said?
I would also suggest that I am bringing the readers of my blog along in my journey. I’m about as comfortable in blogging as I am uncomfortable making videos or applying to work-study programs. By telling this story I am perhaps syphoning off some of my comfort in blogging and redirecting it towards areas of greater risk and change. I only need convince myself that my friends from this blog are coming along to gain this confidence! Or maybe not.
If there are any other reasons I am so bad at planning and executing things I’d like to discover them as well. For example, there could be a genuine lack of desire to do these things apart from the usual fear, risk, and change. Lack of desire is certainly a good reason not to do something!
My actual desire is to do something, I think. What exactly that thing is, well…
I often want things to be handed to me, a very common situation in which a person, myself in this case, is reluctant to take responsibility for the entirety of their situation. I’d venture to say I’ve never met a man who does not in some way fall victim to this temptation. Perhaps I’m just angry at my father and projecting it onto all men. Anyway, the result is that instead of doing things myself, I secretly want it to be done for me, presumably by someone else who wants me to succeed so badly that they will invest their own time and energy into it.
Some people have such people and some don’t. The rule of life is that you don’t get to choose whether you have such a person or persons. Those who have no support must support themselves. It’s the hard and fast rule. My conscience might rebel against it, but show me the point in life where someone has no support to begin with, and then, merely because they find this situation morally offensive, is granted the support they need. Being morally offended seems to have no effect on a world which isn’t already rewarding someone with love and attention. Carl Jung talks about this situation a lot in Answer to Job.
Answer to Job is about a human being who feels offended by God’s inhumanity, and who’s very offendednesss is actually so offensive to God, who lacks a moral conscience himself, that God must become a human being just to feel good about himself again. That’s the idea with Christ, God becomes a person so that he can acquire a sense of good and evil, i.e. morality. God’s ego is so puffed up that he has to go through the humiliating process of being crucified in order to get over himself. Christ is not saving people from themselves, rather from God, and his unfeeling indiscriminate unpredictability.
The payoff of the book is that, while being morally offended at God’s cruelty may have no immediate results, it’s nevertheless not entirely worthless, because according to Jung, it actually has an effect on God. I’m not sophisticated enough to know more than this. But I will say that when no one will help you, you must help yourself. And I don’t like helping myself. I am angry and slow and unreliable. But if I intend to live, I have little choice.